Daddy Issues

Hello Captains,

Oh, Daddy.
I am so conflicted about this person that I share 50% of my DNA with.

First off, my dad is a drunk. My mom was a drunk back in the day, and luckily for me and my sister, she got sober when we were pretty young. My dad didn’t, so you can see how that would lead to divorce.

Thursdays were my visitation days with my dad when we still lived in the city, and I mostly remember how badly I always stunk of cigarette smoke afterwards. The best part of the visits was tv dinners, which my mom never fed me, and watching Scooby Doo cartoons on cable (which we didn’t have). The worse part of the visits was when my dad was pissed off at my mom for dragging him to Court for child support (how dare she!) when he stopped paying.

My dad and I reconnected in 2016 after being absent for all of my teens and twenties. Funny, he got injured at work and had to go out on disability and then he feels the need to reach out to his children who might have to take care of him someday in the near future….hmm….suspicious timing.

So now he’s even more of a drunk and smoker. It’s disgusting. He’s a gross old man. Some of the things that come out of his mouth, in this modern climate would make AOC’s hair curl.

I think there’s a part of me that is completely enraged at the fact that we only have a relationship after he got old and injured, and I was completely robbed of having a “working” (i.e. able bodied) father-daughter relationship; no father-daughter dates out to the ballpark, or coming over to fix a leaky faucet for me (actually fuck that, I fix my own damn sink) but you get my meaning.

I’m mostly sad about him. His addiction issues started at such a young age, and he came from a household riddled with spousal abuse. I understand why him and his brothers and sister are all so fucked up. I get it. And now being penned up at home has just allowed his demons to set up on all sides of him. So I think when he finally goes (and I sincerely hope it’s quick) I will mostly feel relief.

AK

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