One thing I’ve been turning over and over in my head, is a calculation of selfishness vs. determination.
Obviously, the future of my marriage is often on my mind, and one argument you can be sure will rear its ugly head when the can of worms gets opened, is how selfish I am.
First off, I’m a damn Capricorn, so yes, there’s a modicum of selfishness sprinkled throughout my being. Won’t deny it.
HOWEVER, I am usually aware of when I’m being selfish, so I get points for that. Ha!
If I move on from this life, in some ways, it is selfish. It obviously disrupts my husband’s life, and his future plans for us. And the house. But you know what? It’s not fun owning a home with him. He doesn’t work on shit to do with the house, literally all he does is mow the lawn every week during the summer. I would rather own a house by myself or with someone who actually wants to work on projects.
I know what I want. I know what I can, and cannot live with. And that’s not selfish. That’s just me knowing myself, and having the confidence in going after what I want.
The ability to go after the life I want is one of the big reasons I don’t have kids. I do not support people who want to run around like they’re in their twenties, dragging along a few babies with them, screwing up their lives. That’s fucking selfish. And there are plenty of people who just leave the poor kids behind (but in hindsight I guess that’s better?).
There’s a large part of me that terrified of getting stuck. Not being able to take steps to improve or exit my current life. Sounds like I have commitment issues, and I do to a point, but it’s just that life is too short to be stuck somewhere you don’t want to be. People change, and people’s needs and wants and desires and tolerances change as they age. The idea that marriage is forever is ridiculous. For those couples that do stay together 60+ years and are still happy, then bless them to pieces. That’s some rare shit. But if that same couple has been miserable for the last 40 of those years, then that’s just a big waste of both their lives.
Fuck that noise. No one’s got time for that shit.
Just some Sunday thoughts, my loves. Thanks for reading!