June has been a long, difficult, strange month.
I went back to work in the beginning of the month, and of course there are all these COVID-restrictions to work around.
This country has turned so ugly and amazing at the same time- there are so many racist and ignorant assholes turning out like they have free reign, and yet the amount of solidarity and compassion that has formed to combat the hatred is truly inspiring.
Earlier this week my father had…an episode, I guess I’ll call it. His red cell count plummeted and he was asphyxiating. I called him as he was going into the emergency room (fool drove himself, of course) and he couldn’t even get out a sentence. Several scary hours waiting to hear the worse. 2 blood transfusions and several more tests. He’s back home now, but is this the beginning of end?
I’ve reflected on my reaction to that scary phone call, cuz I did lose my shit for a minute. I didn’t even know if he was going to make it through the night. In a way I can measure the amount our relationship has grown in the last five years, and in a weird way, it was comforting.
My sister has a strange relationship with our dad. She was always closer to him growing up, and unfortunately witness a lot more of the drinking that was going on in the early years. My mom got sober when I was quite young, so I don’t remember her drinking. I think my sister has repressed a lot, but I can only guess at what. My parents were not abusive or crazy, but she has large gaps of memory. missing Like, large gaps. She did, unfortunately, have an abusive babysitter that she never told my parents about (my mom was horrified when my sister told her, like ten years ago.) So maybe it’s babysitter trauma, in part. But when it comes to my dad, she gets really weird. Like she’s very sensitive to anything about him.
My dad lies through his teeth about a lot of things, so I can’t trust what’s he’s told me about his test results. He must not have needed surgery though, or maybe it was a symptom of something that he already knows about and has opted not to treat. Who knows. What I do know is that he’s had 50+ years of hard abuse on his body, so he’s a wreck.
Just with everything going, in my personal life and in this country, I’ve had my head buried in the sand. Thus, the lack of posts. My heart just hurts, you know? I will rally soon ❤